11 Years Together...

It has been said, that once one finds someone who steals their heart, that they will spend the rest of their lives trying to steal it back. Such is the case with me. Although, not as literal as this phrase intends. You see the word stolen refers to something being taken against one’s will. As it is true in love, that often your heart is taken when you least expect it, but you would have a hard time convincing me that it was stolen. Then there is the part about trying to get it back. Well, that is a bit of mystery. For some, the anticipation and subtlety of stealing anything is exciting enough.

In my case, I would agree that my heart was stolen, as it happened when I least expected or wanted it to. The part about trying to steal it back, well....that is what I am still not sure about. Starting 11 years ago, is when my heart began to be stolen. It happened so quickly and without thought, that even to this day I find myself perplexed as to how I could have let my guard down. I am at fault really, and I know when my first line of defense was broken. It happened as quickly as a glance; the first look. I was not necessarily love at first sight, at least not how it is portrayed in songs and movies for that matter. However, it was a single look that started everything.

I still remember that schoolboy nervous feeling I felt when I first saw Jill. (I still feel it today when I see her) I had just started a new job, and as always, you immediately look for something to cause you to want to go to work every day. In one look, I had found all the motivation I needed. If I could go to work and just see her everyday, each day would be worth it.

I still remember the first time we spoke, it was while I was sitting at her desk and she was training me on how to perform the job I had been hired for. She was not my intended trainer, but I ended up sitting with her by happens chance. Then it happened; disappointment set in. There was a picture of another guy in her cubicle. I do not remember what we talked about for that short time, but I remember how immediately jealous I was.

Although, I am sure it is not what she intended, I felt like she would glance my way and smile when I came into work, or whenever we would see each other. It may have been nothing, but it was enough for me to think that I had a chance. Well...., at this point, defense one, and defense two, had been taken down, and I had allowed myself to be vulnerable. There was an internal competition in my heart, and I was bound to win; however, I did not realize it at the time, this was going to lead me to lose my heart entirely.

Next came a business trip to New Mexico, when I remember doing everything I could to catch her eye. All I wanted was to see her smile, and not only smile, but smile at me. I began to see this more and more, and I found myself dying each time she did not glance my way. I gave her a blessing one night, when she became ill, and I was so nervous I even called her by the wrong last name. Little did I know that another defense fell down that night...

Our first date was one to remember; shared dinner, laughter, and I felt as if I was on a date with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I felt more comfortable with her than I had ever felt in my life. I had dated girls before, but I always found myself feeling apprehensive; afraid to show them who I really was. With her, another defense came down. I immediately felt as if I could tell her anything, could say anything, could joke around or be serious.

One date led to others, including a second date group snow showing trip that ended up in just myself Jill, and a friend. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I was not the world’s greatest boy when it came to courting. Ok..., so I admit I was terrible. I failed miserably at times with my approach, and yet she seemed to still allow me to be with her. She may have wanted more than I was providing; lavish dinner’s, romance, fun and excitement, but I guess she felt content. Maybe I will never know what kept her from ending things, but she stayed, she was true, she was consistent, she was always there...something I had never had before.

Then there was the infamous drive home from Kaysville. I had inadvertently let another guard down, when I agreed to attend and extended family gathering. I am not even sure what it was for, but I remember feeling more comfortable with a group of strangers than I ever had before. Of course, her grandpa pulling me aside and telling me I would be a good husband for his granddaughter didn’t hurt. Ultimately, this experience is when I first starting thinking about letting my guard down entirely. I missed the exit on the way to take her and her sisters home. I didn’t miss it by a little, I missed it completely, and was half way to the point of the mountain when

I finally realized. The icing on the wedding cake was what got me...I missed the exit while thinking about our wedding cake. I had let another defense down...all over icing on the wedding cake.

We took a family trip to St. George with her parents, which is also when we first started talking about marriage consistently. I will always remember how shocked I was when her dad told me he would be proud to have me as a son-in-law. Hearing that from a man I had grown to respect so much in so little time; was one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. On the way home from this trip, is when it hit me. “Am I about to do this, and how did this happen?” One day in the Temple solved any concern that I had, and after that, there was no doubt that what I had gotten myself into was taking me down the path of losing my heart.

Our wedding day came and went, and through it all I remember three things the most. The first is forgetting to get my living ordinance recommend signed by my Stake President. This was nicely pointed out to me, at the Temple. A little late was an understatement. Jill was calm, soothing, and collected. She knew everything would work out, and after a meeting with the Temple President, it did. The second thing I remember is how I could not stop smiling at her across the alter. I had always loved her smile, but now more than ever it sunk deep into my mind, and my heart. The last thing I remember is how beautiful she looked. I have never seen, nor will I ever see a more beautiful bride. It still takes my breath away today...., just to think about it. I was the luckiest man alive on that day - and always will be. However, my heart was not yet stolen...

Our first year of marriage was rough...to say the least. Everything had happened so fast, and I had held on to my heart; refusing to let her have it. Maybe, I was scared to let her steal it. I leant it to her every now and then, but something held me back from letting her take it entirely. I suppose she felt the same way about her heart. However, the most wonderful thing happened as a result of falling apart that year. I fell in love. I fell truly, madly, and deeply in love.

Perhaps, it takes forgiveness and understanding to fall in love. That is what she hit me with that finally took my final grasp off my heart. She forgave me...she stayed with me despite my imperfections. It was through this experience that I felt like she loved me for the first time...and not the love that you feel before you are married, but something pure, something eternal, and something true.

To this day, she still finds ways to forgive me. I am not perfect, and through the years, I have became honest; with her and myself. I learned that I could not keep anything from her. I wanted her to know me; despite any consequences. Through it all, she has stayed by my side. Despite the odds we grew closer together, even amidst our second son Ayden’s heart diagnosis. She is strong, optimistic, and faithful. I am as often overly sensitive, reactionary, and down on myself at times as much as anyone she has probably known, or would like to know. Yet, for whatever reason she loves me and helps me become a better man. I have often asked myself why?

I guess it comes down to the fact that she has stolen my heart. She has it, it is hers, and she knows who I am and what I am. Yes she stole my heart, but I am fine with knowing it is in her hands. I trust her with my heart and my heart is in a better place for it. I will never be able to put my feelings for her in words. I have tried over the years, through poems, stories, and notes; but they never say what I really feel, I can never say what is in my heart...I just don’t know the words. I guess the explanation for this is that she has my heart, I let her take it, and because she has it, she will always have my love.

So to answer the question; will I spend the rest of my life trying to steal my heart back from the woman who stole mine? The answer is...No. I don’t want it and I want her to have it. I want her to keep it and never give it back. It is all I truly can give to her in this life and I will never, ever, take it back from her. My heart will always, and forever, belong to her...